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Naughty Makes for the Cheeky Crafter

🚩 WARNING: This post contains mature content. Reader discretion is advised.

Some of you may know I’m a host on the hilarious crafty podcast, Hard Rock Crochet. In August 2022, we made a raunchy episode called “🎙 Contains Mature Content 🎙” and hit up Ravelry for some naughty patterns. You can listen to the episode here or watch it on YouTube here for your viewing pleasure.

Taking inspiration from that episode, I made it my mission to find some naughty makes that cheeky crafters will actually recreate and use every day. Okay peeps, be prepared. You have been warned! 🍆

1. Phallic Pot & Pan Cozies

When I tell you I was dead on the floor with laughter, followed by disappointment that this was a knitted project. I tell no lies! I’m sure you could easily replicate this for crochet. This would be an amazing present for a bachelors new pad or for your single sister. But most importantly, your pan handles NEED to be cosy! Don’t forget about your pan handles! 🤣

This pattern is free on Ravelry and is designed by Amie Henderson. Grab your copy here.

2. C*ntalicious Blanket

C U Next Tuesday is not everybody’s cup of tea and Leigh Anne does have other versions without the c word here, but Leigh Anne is my kinda people! I mean, cum onnnnn, c*ntnugget! (see what I did there?!) 🤣

Leigh Anne’s list of things you need to make the project include; worsted weight yarn, 5mm hook, scissors and a sense of humour. She is the queen of graphs and can even design one especially for you, if you’re not 100% on board with what’s on offer. Her blanket’s are made using bobble stitches to create the words and you could probably even get away with scrap yarn. If you are laughing as much as I am, go an grab yourself a copy of c*ntalicious here.

3. Fuck Cancer Hat

I know this is knitted, but… Yes, Jenna! Fuck Cancer! We have all been touched by cancer in one way or another by someone we know, a friend, a relative or have gone through it ourselves. Jenna writes “I lost my Dad to Cancer in 2021 at the age of 68. This pattern is dedicated to him. Fuck Cancer.”

I lost someone close and dear to me on February 9th, 2022 to cancer. I don’t need to tell you why you should make this and support another maker, it speaks for itself. Sending my love to you Jenna! Get your copy of the pattern here.

4. Crochet Pillows by Callie

Callie is the queen of potty mouthed pillows and if you don’t know who she is, you need to go to TikTok ASAP. I couldn’t just choose one from Callie. All of these pillows are so cleverly thought out and can be put into ANY room or household. I mean, I haven’t heard ‘twat waffle’ in what feels like a millennium! All these pillows are made with the bobble stitch to create the words and are available to on Ravelry here.

I think I might add a few to cart now…

5. Offensive Dish Cloth

I promise you, I laughed out loud and immediately downloaded! What a great play on words! And also a handy item to have around the house as we are starting to be more thoughtful about the choices we make and how we can use our skills of crochet and knitting to be more sustainable. This pattern here includes 2 versions of the dish cloth, one with block letters and one with semi block. This pattern is free on Ravlery here.

6. Shit Wall Hanging

Susanne was not fucking around when she started designing these wall hangings! This is just 1 of 4, and is probably my favourite! Using 400yds of worsted weight yarn and a 5mm crochet hook, you can easily make this wall hanging for your house decor. Have guests taking a second look to ensure they read what they read and seeing their faces = priceless!

To add this to your home, check out Susanne’s listing here.

7. Big Willy Shopping Bag Holder

Now, I have come across some crazy patterns in this search, but nothing as crazy and practical as this! It just makes sense. I love the description Tracy has written. “Stuck for ideas on what to make for that person who seems to have everything? Look no further! This novelty BIG Willy Shopping Bag Holder is the perfect thing to make for someone who appreciates a good laugh! It is practical and made with super soft velvet yarn! It is even complete with a pair of hairy balls!! Whether it be a gift for the bride to be at her hen’s night, a funny but useful gift for Mum on Mother’s Day, or “The best birthday prezzie ever” for your bestie, this gift is sure to be remembered!”

You heard her! Off you go! Get yourself a copy now!

8. Swear A Lot!

How fun is this?! I might be a little obsessed with the colours in this. However, this is mosaic crochet, which I haven’t attempted before. So, this pattern is going in the favourites list on Ravelry for a rainy day when I have time to learn something new. This pattern was made using DK weight yarn, allows the maker to mix and match the order as they please.

Check out this colourful pattern here.

These are just some of the patterns I found on Ravelry that are useful and that I would make myself!

To find these types of patterns for yourself, head on over to the Patterns search in Ravelry and under ‘Attributes’ tick ‘Mature Content’ and also which craft you want to search for. WARNING, you must be opened minded to do this search!

Have you made something naughty before? Or would you be interested making anything like this? Maybe something to consider for a market???? Tell me about it below!

Happy Ending… I mean Crafting

Tegan xoxo

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